Old Orchard Beach, you're just not that snappy
I recently ventured to Old Orchard Beach for the first time and must say that I was much less than impressed with what I found. Although the campground had it's quaint charms, the beach itself was the stuff that bad dreams are made of. At the outskirts of the madness lies a deceivingly tranquil park. It's lush lawn is dotted with well manicured gardens, monuments, playground, bandstand and a gated area where dogs can run free. I have to give the town an A+ in both urban planning and landscape architecture for this one. However, once one rounds the corner the onset of bad taste looms in the air, and at the epicenter a sprawling swarm of commercial catastrophe is dumped on top of one of the most naturally beautiful beaches in the northeast. It's almost a crime against nature.
The streets are lined with stores that almost exclusively sell fried food, tasteless t-shirts and/or tattoos. Sure, every seaside town should have fried dough and the customary 'my (fill in the blank) went to Old Orchard and all I got was this lousy shirt'. BUT NOT IN EVERY STORE! And the vendors at Old Orchard take it to a new level when the front window is plastered with prints that say things like (I kid you not) 'I'm not a gynecologist but I can take a look'. Every once in a while a bar or restaurant with tables pops up, with signs like 'absolutely no club colors' in the window (the audience for which is the large number of biker gang types that enjoy heading to the beach in 90+ degree weather dressed in leather jackets and matching pants). Then there's the carnival with rows and rows of games that you can play for $2 a shot, with the chance to win something that the local dollar store rejected because it was just too cheap and cheesy to fit in with the 'everything under a dollar' image. The icing on the cake is the bathroom on the pier that costs .50 per person per use with large creepy bouncers collecting the fare. I felt like one of the Three Billy Goats Gruff every time I had to pee. The police put on the grand finale every afternoon when they converge on the beach wearing guns and bright yellow polo shirts. They swiftly move from blanket to blanket (true story) SNIFFING the cups, cans, and bottles of almost each and every beach goer (even following some into the water). Apparently alcohol is only A-OK when it is consumed 50 feet from the beach in a 'no club color' biker bar. Those without a little rum in their Coke only get humiliated. Those with (that are lucky) get to dump the offending contents into the sand. The rest get slapped with a ticket and a fine.
Soooo, if you are considering heading to Old Orchard for a weekend of fun in the sun, I would have to warn you to do so at your own risk.
Crowds + carnival + drink sniffing police = Circle of Hell that even Dante couldn't imagine.
The streets are lined with stores that almost exclusively sell fried food, tasteless t-shirts and/or tattoos. Sure, every seaside town should have fried dough and the customary 'my (fill in the blank) went to Old Orchard and all I got was this lousy shirt'. BUT NOT IN EVERY STORE! And the vendors at Old Orchard take it to a new level when the front window is plastered with prints that say things like (I kid you not) 'I'm not a gynecologist but I can take a look'. Every once in a while a bar or restaurant with tables pops up, with signs like 'absolutely no club colors' in the window (the audience for which is the large number of biker gang types that enjoy heading to the beach in 90+ degree weather dressed in leather jackets and matching pants). Then there's the carnival with rows and rows of games that you can play for $2 a shot, with the chance to win something that the local dollar store rejected because it was just too cheap and cheesy to fit in with the 'everything under a dollar' image. The icing on the cake is the bathroom on the pier that costs .50 per person per use with large creepy bouncers collecting the fare. I felt like one of the Three Billy Goats Gruff every time I had to pee. The police put on the grand finale every afternoon when they converge on the beach wearing guns and bright yellow polo shirts. They swiftly move from blanket to blanket (true story) SNIFFING the cups, cans, and bottles of almost each and every beach goer (even following some into the water). Apparently alcohol is only A-OK when it is consumed 50 feet from the beach in a 'no club color' biker bar. Those without a little rum in their Coke only get humiliated. Those with (that are lucky) get to dump the offending contents into the sand. The rest get slapped with a ticket and a fine.
Soooo, if you are considering heading to Old Orchard for a weekend of fun in the sun, I would have to warn you to do so at your own risk.
Crowds + carnival + drink sniffing police = Circle of Hell that even Dante couldn't imagine.
Posted by Jennifer at 8/22/2009 6:16 PM 
Categories: Not P-town but still snappy
Tags: Maine Beaches Old Orchard Beach bad experiences
Categories: Not P-town but still snappy
Tags: Maine Beaches Old Orchard Beach bad experiences
Jen,
Good review of a bad experience. I guess that lends some creedence to my rule of thumb, if it's too close, it's too close. I drove through Old Orchard Beach during April and must admit I got a case of the woolies just imagining what July and August might bring.
Thanks for the heads up. I'll continue to take the extra hours to head Down East for my camping.
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Warren,
Thanks for the feedback! I wanted to get the word out to file this place under 'anywhere but here' when planning a trip!
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Camping is not the thing to do at Old Orchard Beach unfortunately. It's not that bad of a town to vacation in (especially if your sole purpose is to lounge on the beach during the day, and walk around in certain shops at night). I've been going there for years, so I know of the stores you speak of! They are tacky, which is why I don't do much shopping there for material items.
Everything by the Pier is expensive, and if you went to the beach by the Pier -- that would be why you were harassed by the cops unfortunately.
I always stay at the Beachwalk/Windsong Motel and go the first weekend in August (it's about 3/4 of a mile down the road from the center of town). The motel room we stay in has a kitchenette (which is a lot more spacious than most I must say) so we cook our own meals for the most part. The day time we spend on the beach, and it isn't as crazy on the beach as it is by the Pier. It's a lot more calm because the ones on it are people from our motel or the one across the street.
I guess the only thing about Old Orchard that really ticks me off is the rudeness of some of the foreigners...
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Thanks for the tips, Andrea. Old Orchard had me so 'un-snapped' last season that I had almost given up. But just might give it another shot
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